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Friday May 12, 2000, 09:52

I have all of these friends who are still in college. It's been a year since I've left. One year. Graduation is next week, and I try to figure out what it is that I've done in the last year. Am I proud of what I've done, what I've been doing?

That's pretty much an open-ended question that I really don't want to even think about. Either I'm scared that I will be proud of what I've done (unlikey) which will upset me because I don't particularly thing that I've done anything that great, or I'll not be proud of the things that I've accomplished at which point I'll have to stand back and say "well what have I been doing then?"

Regardless, there is definitely something that I lost when I left college, and more recently, when I came to Boston. I can't quite put my finger on it. It's there, and then it buzzes off, like those cockroaches that I found in my apartment even after they claimed to have exterminated. It was last night when I was at the office and was all excited about going to this concert. I went out to dinner and sitting there, I drifted further and further into a mode where I convinced myself that I was too tired to go.

Well, that's the trick, see? I was too tired to go. But that shouldn't have stopped me. It never would have stopped me in the past. I would routinely go nights with very, very little sleep, all for the things that I loved and wanted to do. Well it is clear to me now that this desk job is not what I want to do. Regardless of whether the job itself is something i want to do (and I have been struggling with this for a while now), the execution of it is totally wrong.

I'm expected to be at the office from about 9 in the morning until 6 or 7 at night. That should leave me then plenty of time in the rest of my day to go out and enjoy life. I'm beginning to realize, more and more, however, that I can't be rooted to a place for 8+ hours at a time. Even if I leave the office for lunch, there is the expectation that I return.

Which gets me back to the point of all of this, which is that I still have friends in college. Friends who stay up until four in the morning talking about cheese and art and the similarities of both and how there needs to be more of both in the world today. They don't worry that they have to be at work tomorrow to sit behind a desk all day trying to crank out product specifications while trying to avoid actually having to think all day because thinking all day like that will fry one's brain like nobody's business.

And yet I can't bring myself to do anything about it. I look back at that time of my life (a whole big whopping year ago) and treat it is something which has already happened, which is gone, and which I can never get back.

Best times of my life indeed.

What a let down.

An aside: It's really quite beatiful out today, and I can hear the cars rolling by on the pike below the window. I would like to be out in a park somewhere reading a book. But that's not my job.

Please note that I am not bubbling over with as much angst as it would seem these days. Just some life evaluation issues and the fact that I'm just as indecisive as I ever was.

15:35

It's that sense of smell that will get you every time. I just went over to wash my hands and found that someone had refilled the soap dispenser. What was "Clean&Smooth" is now "Softsoap" and as I pressed down on the head of the dispenser, the pink goo spilling out of the tip, I was hit with a smell that has been missing from my life for almost a year now. Did she actually have Softsoap at her house, or did she just always smell like that? Can something as banal as liquid hand soap evoke emotions as strong as these.

*sigh*

I need to get out of this place.

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