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Thursday May 11, 2000, 19:15

i'm having trouble keeping my eyes open right now from lack of sleep, and yet i'm still planning on going to a concert tonight at which the main act does not go on until midnight. what exactly am i thinking?

i'm thinking that i need more human contact. i'm so very Lacking in that department right now. And I don't mean one on one, because when Simone came over last night after her poetry reading I had been watching a movie and reading a book and the paper and she rang the bell right as i was going to get some Juice and i buzzed her In and she came in to the apartment and i just Held her there, in the foyer, shoes still on, backpack still on, just to feel her there, another Person, breathing there with me.

Contact, right?

so I've got the quality thing covered. but now i need Quantity. you know, i've been missing it lately right? missing out on the feel of the crowd and all that as it's there, watching the stage. i miss the smoke and the sweat and all that crap. it might be totally awful tonight, there in that club all alone since i can't get anyone else to go with me, but i think it's something that i need.

which leads me to the point about Boston which is one of the things which i always bitch about and which i will continue to bitch about until i leave or until they fix it. i'm going to this show tonight which will presumably get out at about 1:30. this means that i have to take a cab home. not because it's unsafe. and not because it'll take me too long to get home by train. but rather, because the train doesn't run that late! what the hell?

That wasn't really all that exciting a bitch session right there. I'm not exactly sure why, but maybe it's because I just don't care. I've come to accept my place here for the time being and I'll just deal. Wow, that sounds so defeatist. It's not, really. It's just that I don't really have anything better to do. I mean, I just bought a futon to serve as a couch for my apartment and I just got a stock bonus today from the company.

The letter was signed "we look forward to working with you in the coming years."

If we can't just feel the anvil of doom clunking down on my head with that one. A couple of years? What does that mean? My future is so uncertain as it is and they have to show up with "couple of years?" That's half or so of college. That's more time than I can even imagine at this point in my life.

And it's most certainly not what I had in mind.

23:45

brian just left. we watched The Mod Squad tonight and i stayed in. I feel like a real dumbass, kind of, but realize now that the performer that I wanted to see wouldn't have even had started her set yet and that I'm really really tired.

i will have another opportunity. life is good like that.

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