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Friday May 05, 2000, 00:08

so there's all this stuff going through my head right now that i'm trying to get a handle on. and it's just not working. i mean really not working. on the level of "what exactly am i doing in this city and job and what should i be doing with my life anyway and am i even good at anything any more" kind of shit. you know, all that self-loathing self-depricating "i'm not good at anything" pity pity bullshit.

but it's all in there, in my head. what the fuck is going on in there. some overarching things. i've learned that i'm a shallow little twit. i mean, i like to think to myself that money doesn't matter and that blah blah do what you love do something interesting. or not. but money shouldn't matter right. because you're making more or less or the same as everyone else, or more or less than what you think you should be making, it's just money, and the best money can do is buy you a new house, but it can't buy you happiness. right?

well aparently, in my book, money does matter. as i was sitting on spacebar listening to people talk about salaries and whatnot, i was thinking to myself "gee, i could be making that much, those people are getting more out of their life experience than i am." can i say how totally fucked up that thinking is? it's so many things. it's me thinking that money is a representation of worth, not in terms of economic worth or "my portfolio is bigger than yours" kind of worth, but in terms of "i'm a better person than you are" kind of worth.

this probably all stems from this fucking computer field that i'm in. or am sort of it. or am in but not making very much in when it comes to the computer field since i work for a startup. and i talk to people who get paid more than i do and i think to myself, well shit, they're getting more than i am, but i'm really not doing that much at work these days so i shouldn't be getting paid more than i am now which means that i'm worth less as an employee which seems to translate to being worth less as a human being.

that's so totally fucked up.

though maybe there's some merit to that. because i'm not getting paid that much now (because we don't have that much money) then i don't feel like i need to be worth as much to the company and thus am working less. but then because i'm working less i'm having these feelings of inadequecy when it comes to work because i say (and in fact my boss says too) "i'm not working hard enough so i must be a bad person." and this is bad because then i come home at night feeling like someone has been slapping my poor little ego around all day.

money is also weird to me because there's this competition thing that i play in my head where i compare my salary to other peoples'. and when i find out what they're making, if it's less than what i'm making, i justify it by thinking that i'm just being overpaid because that's what the market demands. but, when i am being paid less than they are, i think to myself "well shit, this person is obviously far more talented and intelligent than i am and thus they must deserve this higher salary." also not so good to the old ego, which is now huddling in the corner of my soul somewhere, just muttering "kill me, kill me now and get it over with."

so those are my money issues.

but wait, there's more!

the more has to do with my job. the job is not really satisfying me right now. and i can't really tell what's doing it to me. is it the fact that i'm writing up this documentation, specs on the product? but i found today that i didn't actually mind writing that documentation. so then it should be fine. i can suck that part up and do it, and then we move on to the bits that i find interesting.

i mean, i like coding, right? of course i do. i mean, that's where i've wanted to go with this for a while. no more org charts i say, give me some code to write and i'll be happy. but i see this on the horizon, and what's the problem? the problem is that it's not exciting me. why not? am i just bitter now? jaded by months of cranial inactivity? or is it something more? something like, i don't really care about what we're building?

i can't tell. general angst vs. a deeper issue.

...

but yeah, my job is stressing me out. but things around the job. not the work, though that's not too much fun. i come home every night and i've endured a day full of crap. and i don't like that. i feel like i've been shit on every day, and i can't tell who's squatting over my head.

something must be done to my mindset or i'm not going to make it. scratch that. i've got to do something about my mindset.

nobody's going to do it for me.

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