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Monday April 24, 2000, 02:13

the computer was off, dishes done, teeth brushed and i was heading to bed. until i realized that i really wasn't going to want to write tomorrow at work, so i'd better do it now, and stuff. what the fuck? why am i addressing you (who are you?) and why do i care about this context?

context.

oh, i found my words. those words that i had lost. the ones that stayed up with me into the night in college, as i would stare out the window and the early morning/late night sky as the sun was trying to rise. i think they're back. they're here.

on friday i had this great talk with my boss about how i'm a fucking slacker at work and how i'm not really taking a stab at things because i really like doing what i know how to do and really don't like doing things that i'm really bad at. i mean, i guess he's right. i'm basically a big chicken. which means that i'm going to have to learn how to just do things, know that they're wrong, and do them anyway, just to fix them later.

maybe the point, though, is that i really don't like what i'm doing. i can't tell. i'm pretty sure i'm not totally in love with the company. or the product. where does that leave me? it could still leave me in a pretty good place. it leaves me in a place where i can learn, where i can learn to do things that i've never done before. but it could also leave me in a place where i'm not happy learning and won't because i've set up this block.

what i really have to do is take this positive outlook and stuff and just go for it. huh? i must be really tired. what i think i mean is that i should just go right ahead and learn to do, and not be afraid to try. etc. i'm being brainwashed. yikes.

saturday. woke up late. so late, so nice. got sleep. so nice. a trip to the MFA was a wonderful diversion from the hours and hours in front of the computer. and to think we almost didn't go because i'm such a total tool. phone rings at noon. i'm still in bed. i try to convince him that we want to do something else because it's gray and dismal out and there's no way that i want to be wandering around out on a day like today. but he has a membership. that means that it's free. free is good. (though i still have my student id from college and am not afraid to use it)

edward weston exhibit. i must say that i didn't suffer as much museum-head as i did at the met, presumably from the higher ceilings and the smaller crowds. still, rainy saturdays are probably the worst if you want a nice relaxing day at the museum.

whenever i look at photography, especially posed shots, i always wonder what happened before and after that scene. did the woman floating in the pool have to fall in to the water in order to get herself out? did the child sitting on the side of the road get up and run away? you capture that moment in a life, in an actual person's life, and you throw out all the rest of it. all the context.

wonderful really.

the museum was followed by lunch at a pub. pubs are really wonderful places, made slightly awkward by the fact that i'm not so fond of the pint of ale, but still, the bar, the tables (mismatched), the heavy irish accents (irish? yeah) the smoke. all good things to help the escape from the chill and the rain outside.

i am feeling an intense desire to recount my entire weekend, which is not at all what i want to do. this is totally and utterly wrong, and it must stop right now.

this weekend was an exercise in utter laziness. a total of five hours were spent outside on saturday, with the remainder of the time being spent in front of the computer adding search to this site or reading. my brain was not functioning. it was not processing words and whenever i tried to cram something, anything into it, it spat them back out at me. "get out of my head!" so i gave in and tried something that would require little energy at all.

i read a wrinkle in time again. three hours, i was basically able to skim through it. the words were important, the concepts were important, but what was more important was the escape. getting out of reality, whatever i've built that up to be, and getting into the world of a mrs whatsit and large throbbing brains. escape is good.

i needed to created. but i didn't have the energy to create. so i tried to consume, but i didn't have the capacity to consume. so i basically just let my mind ooze into a puddle of brain this weekend. i shut down my mind, and it felt good.

...

a bit more. i also took care of myself this weekend. sleeping and touching and feeling and touching and sleeping. followed by lunch. and more touching and sleeping. touching is good. sleeping is good. eating is also good. all these things were accomplished this weekend. this was good.

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