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Thursday April 20, 2000, 11:53

( please note: the soundtrack to my life is still Blue Man Group's Audio )

i went to a passover seder last night.

it's been a long time since i did that. high school perhaps? girl i was dating at the time? was that the last one? i don't even remember. well it doesn't matter. not one bit. last night was different.

It started going strangely when I started spounting off about the web to the editor of Fast Company. About how the web is wonderful, about how web communities are wondering and the whole bit. I was laying it on pretty thick. But that's what I tend to do when I start talking about the things I love. I even managed to get some of that theatre talk in there. about how the things i love about theatre are the things that i love about computers. about touching other people. about publishing. about leveling a playing field. about all those crazy things that i thought were so cool about the web in 95 and how they're still pretty cool.

then i talked about pants a bit. it seems that we disagreed on the notion of funny, he thinking that salmon, not pant, were funny. i felt that pi was funny, he felt that 37 was far funnier.

this is a very odd conversation to be having after the "The jews got the hell out of dodge, escaped slavery and ate their dinner reclined so they could stick it to the man" thing that we had done as part of the ceremony. Of course this was the abridged version, which made it that much less painful.

though i couldn't help feeling that by taking a lightheated stance on the seder thing, this pretty heavy religious ceremony, that there was something lost, that there were feelings that weren't being felt that should have been felt. something about ancestors and tradition, history and a common bond forged around religion.

i'm a big fan of traditions, of knowing where you came from, or at least having some representation. i am a big fan of knowing that you belong to something.

i'm not religious at all, but i'm interested. it's shaped the people i came from, so it's shaped me in a way. and it's important to know what that's all about.

that's not to say that i wanted a four hour ceremony with matzoh ball soup waiting around the corner. but still. tradition.

tradition tossed by the wayside it was time for me to wax poetic again about how the future of the internet is all about the "information" utility, just like gas or electricity comes into your house, and how 80% (or whatever) of the web surfing will be done on cell phones and on your toaster, but how this shouldn't mean that people shouldn't continue to exploit the medium for its self-publishing aspects and that i wouldn't be able to make this voice for myself out here if it weren't for the web.

everyone sort of stared and nodded at me.

but i was on a roll, see, and there wasn't really anything stopping me. i ended the night with the drop of a business card and a "we'll be in touch." kind of a thing. i got an email this morning, just to complicate my life some more.

post seder was rush rush rush to the club where one of our bands was playing. good music, and even got to catch the whole set. more than the music though, once again i got into the "what am i doing with myself" funk. sitting in the club, watching, remembering, feeling again what it was like when i was doing theatre, when i was part of that energy, that performance energy, that people energy. the room was throbbing, and i was there with it.

the room does not throb when you're sitting in front of a computer all day long. or if it does, it means that you've had too much coke and not enough sleep.

i sat and i watched. i watched the bad lighting. i watched the cute girl three stools down from me. i watched my friends dance. i watched the band rock out. i thought about, thought about friends living out dreams. thought about what i should be doing rather what i am doing. thought about losing my ability to write. thought about not getting enough out of my life. thought about being too young to be worrying about this shit.

everytime i step into a theatre or see a concert, i'm reminded of the thrill of being a part of the experience that shapes the lives of those around you. about being a part of the energy which is providing some sort of, some sort of feeling to these people, these people, all sitting there, not watching me, but still, watching what i did.

or rather, what i used to do, since i don't do it any more.

that is so wrong.

i left the club feeling both very full, and very empty at the same time.

i don't think i hate my job, i just don't love it. i think i need to love it in order for me to be happy. (we had this conversation at the seder as well -- funny how these things come around)

...

she came over again last night. to have someone there, to talk to, to hold, the touch. that is having a profound impact on the way i'm looking at the world.

but i still haven't found my words. if you stole them, give them back. i need them. i need them to feel alive.

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