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Monday April 17, 2000, 12:02

this update finds me in the office for the third day in a row. after having just come off of a weekend, this would seem rather odd. as we will soon discover, the life at a startup is one filled with deadlines and tight schedules, and it doesn't really care about what day of the week it is.

the date thing that i went on last thursday went quite well. there's this thing though. as i was on it (dinner, movie, etc) i realized that i was having a great time with this girl, and that we were talking and not being so awkward and it seemed good. and i realized that i wasn't really intersted in dating her. you know, in that "we're going out hanging on each other's arms giggling and cute" kind of a way.

why? is it because it's her? is it because it's not what i want right now? is it something tangible or is it just this feeling? this is not so good, i think to myself, because this means that things are going to get awkward where they weren't before.

communication!

that was the answer to all these feelings. icq conversations (i hate icq) led us to come to the realization that we both feel the same way about this supposed "relationship" thing that seems to be in the works. oh my, it's so nice to have someone there, someone to hold, someone to kiss, someone to talk to. but what do i really want right now? that, i'm not so sure. however, this seems to be filling whatever void it was that i had in my life up until this point rather nicely.

it sounds like. it sounds like one of those things that always seems perfect in theory, but ends up falling flat on its face when put into action. i don't want to fall flat on my face. but i'm happier right now than i have been in a while. so doesn't that count for something?

i don't want to get attached right now. and the thing is that i don't have the feelings (those feelings, those deep-in-my-stomach) feelings of impending doom that come with falling falling falling in love with someone. instead, i have the feelings of finding someone in my life who seems to understand me who is willing to give me the attention i need right now.

i think that's fair.

so thursday night was good. all kinds of good.

...

this weekend was less than good.

let me clarify. this weekend was the most productive weekend i've had, work-wise, since i've started this job. i wrote a monster parser thing that'll generate our demo site and throw in the appropriate graphics and all that stuff and even though i should have done it in XML i didn't, well, because that would have required thinking and I was so not in the right frame of mind to be thinking.

but i was in the office. all weekend. and it was pretty nice out and i should have gone for a walk and all that. but i was in the office.

so i've got these files and i've got this program and it runs through the files and it makes a web site.

and i felt this strange sense of accomplishment in that i built something and it does something and that i can say "look, i'm not completely useless here!" except that i'm not really building the product, so i still do kind of feel useless.

here's the thing though. with nobody else in the office, i felt like i could do work. with other people here, they inevitably make me agitated, because i just Know that they're going to come over to me and ask me "how it's going" or some other euphamism for "are we getting our money's worth out of you?"

i was working there, and then i told myself that i was bored, so i spent some time cutting up some graphics for these pages and screwing around with style sheets, and i wasted a couple of hours. and then i got back to coding. and nobody cared. the thing is, i feel like if i waste a couple of hours at work with other people around, i feel like i'm wasting a couple of hours, which means that they're very stressful hours, which means that when it is time to get back to work, i have to get into the "Work" mindset, which i'm nowhere near because i'm so stressed, whereas the distraction time is really supposed to be just that, a temporary distraction to clear my brain out a bit.

like just now, one of the boss-types walked in and i immediately hid this window. Stress! *sigh*

it also felt strangely good to work and work until my brain no longer worked and then to get up in the morning after sleeping the night on the couch and working some more.

do i need that insanity in my life to fuel my drive? do i really need to be operating on two liters of coke and not much else in order for me to get into whatever zone it was that i was in this weekend?

interesting.

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