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Thursday April 13, 2000, 13:01

Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom as great!

You have no power over me.

Ben just sent me that. Out of the blue. I mean, not toally out of the blue, because it has something to do with deepleap.com (no link because they get enough linkage as it is. hehehe.) and well fuck that totally just made my day.

a rush of shit today, mostly sitting in my stomach between the place where i haven't eaten all day and the nervous part that comes from this date i have tonight, is this block of solid nerves that is throbbing that is coming pretty close to making me pass out.

i realize that i have no idea what i'm doing at work.

it's one of those realizations that i should have come to a while ago involving the fact that i don't know how to do what they want me to do and it's something that i don't know if my brain is wired to handle. see, it involves mostly organizational shit, and i don't really know how to organize. i'm not an organizer. ideas i can do, and i can even program, but when it comes to organizing and coordinating groups of people to do shit, i just can't figure out where to start.

maybe i just need practice, which would be fine, but i'd really like someone else to do it first and let me watch.

please let me see how it's done first and don't put it on my to try to figure out what's going on. because if i fuck this up, i'm going to feel really dumb.

go figure, i'm feeling guilt about a job about which i care absolutely nothing.

that sentence was veryu strangely phrased. my words, have gone, out the window.

fuck.

another reading last night with simone. i was feeling totally off, and it sucked. the words coming out of my mouth were lame, i couldn't figure out what i was thinking, and all the while i was thinking that my finger nails are just too long right now.

i forgot to do anything about it when i got home.

i was also completely pissed at myself for not being able to write stories any more. there were all these amazing poets, telling stories and instead of inspiring me, they stopped me cold. i got home, wrote something, realized it was crap, and went to bed.

my mind was empty.

13:49

someone sent me an ecrush thing last night. it wasn't simone. i don't know who it was, nor do i really care. it was probably one of my lame-ass friends trying to get my hopes up or something. whatever.

also, after spilling tea on myself getting lunch, i saw a van drive by with the name of "Global Services Incorporated" on the side of it. (Or was it General Services Inc...") I was just thinking that it was a particularly funny name for a company.

but it's not coming off as very funny as i'm having an off day.

so off.

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