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November 25, 1999, 00:03

i just heard seagulls.

this life which i have been living for three months drew to a close today as i walked into my boss's office and lay my pager on his desk. "so, you're out of here, huh?" he asked me, and i had to do my best to assure him that i was in fact sorry that i was leaving and that there was nothing he could do to change my mind. despite his mention that he would do everything he could to make this a "very costly decision in my life." i told him that it wasn't about the money. it wasn't about anything.

what i didn't tell him was that i just wasn't meshing with the company. with the size it had grown to, with the way projects were done, with the way page views and revenues are more important than reaching out and ripping people's hearts apart, making them feel alive and sucking them in. the business of community is an oxymoron. in community, one on one interactions among many to many among so many parameters among all this shit flying through between people, if you throw commerce in the mix, the community loses its drive to be a community and people start scrambling for the dollar signs.

i got a phone call from work when i was out at a movie last night. the international ordering wasn't working and the site could not go live without it. that meant that because of the potential of some girls in Argentina could not order a pair of boots, i had my evening interrupted. and i realized that this was not where i wanted to see myself right now. which isn't to say that i feel above helping girls in Argentina buy some cheesy-ass boots, but rather that i, at this time in my life, do not feel that it fulfills any needs that i have at the moment. which is, arguably, unfortunate for the company for which i was doing all this work.

it is also good that i figured this out now, before i actually signed a lease for an apartment in new york.

tonight is my last night here. tomorrow i will spend time with family and relatives and i will return home to a slightly less messy room where i will atempt once again to consolidate my life into some subset of all the stuff that i own which i will bring with me up to boston. and then i will embark on this journey which will undoubtedly be filled with lots of pain, suffering and a shitload of fun.

i'm so jazzed.

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