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12 september 1999

this page has no design not so much beause i haven't been able to design (though that's probably some of it) but more because i have not been able to come with with any sort of internal structure for the site. technology getting in the way of the content which it is supposed to be presenting. how lame.

outside the apartment where i'm staying (though I almost said "my" apartment, i can only dream) a woman is singing through chords and it makes me want to whip out my Phantom of the Opera cds which I have not listened to in so long. But I can't. Those cds, along with all but some choice possesions of mine, are still at my parents' house (i hesitate now to call that one "mine" either).

i have the opportunity (Which i will take) to stay at the house of a coworker of my father's (i will take connections whenever i can). But that too will not be my space. That will instead be a temorary space which will be occupied twice a week by said coworker and her children. This is not the ideal living situation, but it is substantially less than anything I would be paying for in my own apartment.

it is at this point that i begin to wonder why it is that i have this uncontrollable desire to live in manhattan rather tan in one of the outer boroughs. is there a good reason, or is it social pressure that's driving me there? my wallet screams "no! what the fuck are you thinking!" while some other part of me (Which i have not yet pinpointed yet) says "city! city!" while sounding like some overzealous sports fan. either way, some part of me is going to be dissatisfied, and i just have to figure out which one of them i can deal with more.

of course, what am i doing right now? i'm sitting in the apartment playing at the computer. i could be in manhattan, i could be in brooklyn. what's the difference? why do i have to be right in the heart of things? and then i think about greg last night who took a cab home to brooklyn when i took a subway. sure, i guess he could have taken the subway too, but. so i don't think there is a right answer.

of course at this point i don't think anyone else has the right answer either. and i know this because everyone i've been talking to lately has had to listen to me spew on and on about housing issues that i'm having. i really wish i could shut myself up sometimes, but as weekends seem to be the only time for me to actually interact with people on a social level rather than a "hey, i don't think that this data structure blah blah blah" level, i tend to go overboard with the talking thing.

this weekend was the weekend of birthday gatherings over loud music and alcohol in my life. friday night i met up with some people from spacebar and hung out for a while and, most notably, made some connections which could provide useful in the future. i mean, i could use an arts administration major who likes theatre and has had experience running parties and things like that in my life if i'm going to be going ahead with this theatre/club/space idea.

last night was spent with maura and bryan and a whole lot of people i'd never met before but still had fun because, well, socializing is fun. of note yesterday was that i did tehatre stuff in the morning. see, theatre stuff is exciting because i feel like the work that i'm doing is important. why? is it because we don't get paid so if i do it i feel like i'm doing it because i love it and not just because i'm a money grubbing whore. which is why i'm doing computers.

but theatre is good. don't ever forget it.

ah, another thing i realized is that i'm friends with all these people who want to grow up and be adults. i spent my whole life wanting to do that, and now i realize that i never did the dumb things that kids are supposed to do. the people that i know now are all caught up in thinking too much. i don't know that i've had many conversations lately in which i didn't feel like i was trying to impress everyone with how intellectual i could be.

ok, that's probably an exaggeration, but really. i just wanna watch dumb movies and go out to clubs or hang out in coffee houses and talk about fashion and dreams and stupid stuff instead of having to worry about what a meme is.

i'm through complaining. i'm going outside. going to see some naked people tonight.

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