"Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade...
Masquerade!
Hide your face
so the world will
never find you!"
The Phantom of the Opera
Why do I do it? The countless hours, the sleepless nights? The stress? Why on earth do I do theatre? For many people, it is the calling of the audience, being up on stage, knowing that all eyes are focused on you. Being the center of attention has its merits. However, I don't like being the center of attention. Or at least, that's what I'd like myself to believe.A techie, not a performer, I prefer the dark corners of the theatre to the brightly lit stage. I build things. I am creative. It is I who create the mood for the show. After all, sodium vapor worklights can't do a show justice. And yet my name's always tucked away on the program. Understandably. Afterall, the audience has come to see a performance, not a light show. And I understand that. In fact, I count on it.
Because I don't like attention. If people come up to me after shows, tell me how good the lighting was, what am I supposed to say to that? I never know what to say. Don't know how to show my gratitude and yet sound modest at the same time. I realize now the fundamental problem. I want attention. I want to be noticed, for people to appreciate the work that I do, the work that goes into making a show, the whole show, not just what happens out in front of the audience, but what goes on around them, above them, behind them. And at the same time, I'd like them to enjoy the show, for me to stay in the background.
I use theatre as my way of expressing myself. I have a hard time doing it through words, spoken or written, but in the theatre, I can shape the experience of hundreds of people with the work that I do. If I do a good job, I will be rewarded by their reactions. If do a bad job, I will feel awful about it, knowing that these peoples' experiences weren't up to their expectations. Or mine.
I hide behind the mask of the theatre. I am the lighting. I am the set. I am the experience. Hiding behind every actor. Lingering around every prop, I'm waiting there. Watching the audience as they watch me. I hide my face in the theatre. To the audience, I am a name, nothing more. They do not see me on the stage. They do not see me watching them, through the lights.
They only see my mask.
The mask is me.