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thursday, april 8, 1999, 02:42 it's really all about environment. i can hear the cats outside my door, tugging at the ethernet connecting this terminal to the computer in the other room. i can hear scritch scratch on the door. but in here, with the music playing, the soft light from my desk lamp bouncing off the ceiling, and the knowledge that my bed is right behind me when i want to get to sleep, i'm so much more productive. so much more at ease. and, i've found, so much more sane. i really don't think i've been at home this year. the computer out in the study, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but really, i think i need the comfort of my own room in which to do my work. good thing to note for next year. not that i'm really expecting many options next year. i'll be happy if i end up with a place to live that doesn't cost me more than my tuition did. the real world looms on the horizon, and i'm not sure if i should be galloping into it, or riding as fast as i can in the opposite direction. i guess i should realize that try as i might, i can't outrun the future. it has a way of catching up with you. sometimes i wish that i could make my door transparent so that i could see what was going on outside. is that one cat or two. are they playing or are they gathering an aresnal outside with which to blow the door off of its hinges and pee on my bed again. i went to a concert tonight and, contrary to what my throat and nose have to say about my situation, i danced and yelled a whole bunch. and you know, it's really nice to be a part of something. anywhere i go, i feel like i get so much more out of the epxerience if i can say something like "i'm with the band" or "it's okay, i work here." i think the cats just knocked to get let in. "no, go away, we don't want any" i respond. i felt that i was justified in my exertion of energies tonight as i spent the day pretty lazily hanging out outside on the green reading my latest sandman comic from sarah which has been hanging out on the coffee table for the past couple of months. "it's time," i said, and picked it up and started reading last night when i should have been working on my paper. then, when i should have been sleeping, i read some more, and today, when i should have been doing a whole slew of other things, well, i picked it up and started reading again. it was a nice day. a day which reminded me of why it will be hard for me to leave this place. a day filled in the morning with a paper which i had not completed writing the night before and thus had to finish this morning. a paper which once again made me wish that when i had the motivation to read and learn something, that i had the time, and when i had the time, that i thus had that motivation. but of course the two situations never coincide with each other. so, this day had a paper. but it also had reading on the green. and talking to people. and standing outside in the slowly settling darkness with two newly found friends (and by new, i mean as of this year, for these are people who have recently started college, just as i am ending) and talking of dreams. and swords. and acting. and the future. and the past. and all those things that friends should talk about but always seem to forget about because they're too busy dealing with life. and i realized that i would miss them. among others. but we talked. and i felt like i belonged somewhere. and today was a beautiful day.
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