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sunday, march 7, 1999, 06:27 i'm having issues. i'm not really too tired right now, which means that i'm really, really tired. and given that, i also can't think at all. too many thoughts, not enough words to force them out onto the page. and yet. and yet i'm sittin here writing, and soon enough i'll be able to make something out of this mess that's in my head. the window's rattling and the rain is falling. rain? a closer look. it might be rain. or it might be snow. or both. the ground is covered in white. but one can't really trust this city to do anything reasonable when it comes from dropping shit from the sky. so it's snowing. i think it's fair to call it that. and i just woke up on the couch. i have a lot of work to do, and no time in which to do it, but that is unimportant. i've spent too much of my life on the floor of a theatre. that's accurate, but i don't have anywhere to go with that. i fell into a fit of depression tonight, a combination of a lot of crap which i haven't really wanted to talk about as it falls into that realm of conversation where you know that the other party really has nothing to do but feel sorry for you, which is just pathetic, but where there really is nothing else to say about the situation. phrases like "i'm not good at anything" and "why is everyone better than i am?" you see? those just suck. and yet, those are the kinds of questions that were running through my head tonight. the questions that were dragging me through the dirt. faced again with the fact that i'm only going to be here another couple of months. faced with the realization that most of the people that i know now are going to be memories when that time comes. and that many of the people that i interact with on a daily basis will fall away from my life as if they were never even a part of it. there's a lot to be said for starting over. but i feel like i've finally started getting my life on track. i'm starting to build up confidence in myself, i'm starting to feel happier about life, i'm starting to talk to people more and more and just as that's building up i have to leave. gar. (i'm a pirate. garrrr.) a couple of months is a long time. i just have to keep telling myself that. snow. it's definitely snowing out.
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