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monday, february 1, 1999, 02:27 there is no more "next semester" for me. i've come to realize this. i'm sick and i'm tired, and my mind is racing, but it's not racing with anything in particular. the same thoughts over and over getting hashed and rehashed until i come to the same comclusion over and over again. it doesn't really matter. the more and and more i think about things, the less and less anything is going to make sense, and i keep on just digging myself into a hole. i need to bust out of this funk and get moving or this is going to be the longest fuckign semester i've ever had to deal with. you know, the difference between cats and dogs is that while both young cats and young dogs might be absolutely crazy, young dogs stay on the floor whereas young cats run into your closet and knock over all of your shit and then stare at you as you try to put it all away again. we had another reading on friday night, though it lacked the atmosphere of the previous two being in a lounge on couches and chairs rather than a dusty attick on the hard wooden floor. it just didn't feel right. sucker for protocol and tradition as i am, having it in the lounge made peopel a lot more relaxed. and really, there should have been something else about it. something more silent secret knowing that we really shouldn't have been there but being there anyway. but instead, we fucked with the fire and instead of the glow of some candles and some ambient clock tower light, it was a three way dorm lamp stuck in the corner witha 60 watt bulb. just felt wrong. and this led me to not be able to read. and not be able to figure out words. a combination of the wrong books and the wrong feeling with my words not meshing with the rest of the evening left me with a very empty feeling for the night. hopefully the next one will recapture the romance that the first couple had. i mean, there's a hell of a lot of romance in breaking into a building, no?
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