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tuesday, november 10, 1998, 02:51 sunday night i went to a concert. i still can't hear anything out of my left ear. and to think that i even considered bringing my earplugs. there are times when i'm just a dumbass. but despite that, the concert kicked ass. cherry poppin daddies, the pietasters and ozomatli. but i'm not going to get into the music. because that's not what i noticed. i mean, sure, they were good, and i even got to moving and whatnot. but i couldn't help but notice all the couples standing around me. she in her fuzzy sweater and jeans and converse. he in his polo shirt and slacks and un-sneakered feet. he grabbing her towards him, she watching the show, he playing the top of her head like a drum. it was all very strange. and all i could think when watching that was how i was going to write about the experience. either here. or in a short story. or just in my head. what was important? what words would i use? how would i feel in that situation? i've also convinced myself of something, which, true or not, seems to be a common theme in my life. i've realized that i'm neither tall enough nor confident enough to pick up girls in public. i've said this to many people thus far, and i don't think anyone believes me. but i really think it's true. people generally don't notice me down here (okay, so i'm not really that short, but when everyone you hang out with is over six feet tall. yeah.) and when they do, i project my own insecurities into them. i look at her. she looks at me. and instead of smiling, which would be the usual, friendly response, i glance downward, avoiding her glance. she, in turn, looks away, and i've lost. all stemming from what? ah yes. a lack of confidence which has existed ever since second grade. or before. but i know it was there in second grade. some things you just don't outgrow, you know? of course, there's still hope, since as anyone who knew me in second grade can attest, i'm a lot taller now than i was then. and i've got more confidence in knowing that i'm not a complete dork. but still. there's always that little bit of doubt. like right now. i keep thinking to myself, "boy, school really sucks and i might fail all my classes." this is not in any way true. in fact, i have completely lost what i was talking about. why do i do this? and who is reading this right now? damned if i know. hope you're enjoying my life, whoever you are. i know i am.
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