|
tuesday, october 27, 1998, 03:00 what do you do when you don't know whether you're actually falling for her or whether you've just had the idea in your head for so long that it doesn't make sense not to any more. not that time really has any meaning at all. but that's another story all together. (and a change in person) right now i feel that it isn't right. that she isn't right for me. that the match is. not. right. but how do i know how much of that is me trying to rationalize the fact that i'm a goober and how much of that is me actually seeing what is going on. it was fun talking to her that night. i enjoy spending time with her. but how do i know whether that was me having fun because i was actually having fun and how much of that was me knowing that i wanted me to have fun and just playing into my desires. how can i know any of this? i think the obvious ansxwer is that i couldn't possibly know it, and yet that seems hardly acceptable. and the obvious proactive answer is for me to forget about thinking and act on whatever it is that might exist. and the obvious caution answer is to question my own feelings as well as what might actually exist. in fact, this place that i'm standing is fairly comfortable. and very lonely. and very boring. and i have a couple of options. and i have to see which one wins out. to look at it one way, either way, i win. (on the other hand, says the cynic across the room, either way, you lose as well) let's sit and see what sprouts.
| sun |