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sunday, october 18, 1998, 13:42 the voices haunt me. they're not really there. they're projections of myself, of course, but they haunt me anyway. "what's wrong with him these days. it's like jekyll and hyde, without the jekyll." i'm not exactly sure what's spawned it. if it's a defense mechanism, or something much more simple than that. the alienation, the pushing away. the actively pushing away. maybe i'm just scared. or maybe that's just the excuse that i've been using for everything these days. i could try saying that it's not really my fault. that everyone loses their shit every once in a while and now it's my turn. but i know that's not true. "fucker" i could blame it on the fact that i don't have a girlfriend. i could blame it on the fact that i'm behind on all my school work. or that i've got to start thinking about moving on with my life. or the fact that i don't like walking around in kitten shit. or that i like clean placemats. or that i'm just completely losing my mind and i want to take everyone down with me. or maybe i can just blame it on the fact that i'm learning more about myself that i really ever wanted to. and i don't know if i like me any more. and that isn't really entirely accurate. there's more. somewhere. maybe it's just that i'm rationalizing that friendships are completely arbitrary. and that i've been ignorning them. and i don't know why.
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