|
tuesday, october 6, 1998, 01:06 there's got to be something more, something better i could be writing about here. i know that people read this, and yet i keep writing the same, inane bullshit day after day after day. what the fuck? i did something i probably shouldn't have done. but it led to me learning a bit more about myself. and while... well, let's see where this is all coming from. i went to the theatre tonight to do inventory. of the lights. for the show. that i have to design. tonight. (well, and to peek in on a girl, but that's something better left unsaid for now) and we finished counting the lights upstairs, and we walked into the lighting booth to see what was going on downstairs. in the theatre space. because all of the rest of the lights were down there and well, i wanted to finishd counting the lights. (and i wanted to see the girl) they were rehearsing. but they weren't just "blah blah blah here are my lines now give me a prize" rehearsing. they were playing roles. but more than just playing roles, they were becoming characters. and i found myself relating more to the character that i was seeing presented before me than the actual actor playing the role. in fact, as i watched, it became aparent that there was no actor playing the role. i was watching an entirely different life. and what of that life? what was it that intrigued me so much about this acting, this performance? i really don't know. but what i do know, is that the same thing that keeps me coming back here, to write whatever it is that i'm writing keeps me going back to the theatre, do do whatever it is that i do in that place. any time i go in there, and i see a person, and i see a performance, and i'm watching a bit of someone's real person come through that character. and every time i'm watching, and i see true emotion, and i see a real life sitting in there. that's why i do it. it really is just all about people. and it's not just the actors. and it's not just the audience. and it's not just the people that the audience runs into on the way out of the theatre that makes them think of that show that they just experienced. and it's not just just the person walking by the theatre whose mind wanders and he stares throught he double glass doors watching the actor waiting by the stage door. and it's not the driver of the car who almost hits the man walking across the street who forgot to look both ways because he was thinking too much about the cute girl he saw through the glass doors. it's all of them. i don't know. this is getting ridiculous. i'm worrying too much about getting out of school and wandering around with no goals and nothing in mind for the future and it's all manifesting itself in these bizarre cries for help in the form of reflection of my life on the lives of all of the people around me who i've been ignoring for the past couple of [weeks/months/years]. because i really don't know where i'm going on what i'm going to do. maybe i should start moving my shit over there. or not. how old am i now? and i still can't make a decision. argh.
| sun |