|
monday, july 27, 1998, 02:23 writing has been sporadic at best. for me. my hands hurt. i'm not satisfied with the way i look, despite numerous efforts by a friend to tell me that i am "pretty." the bathroom smells, even though we just cleaned it. the roommate is asleep. i'm becoming more of a cat person, though i'll always be a dog person. i bought heathers and a funny thing happened on the way to the forum today. sam's club is awful for impulse buying. or rather, it's good if you want to impulse buy, bad if you don't. walmart too. i never finished doing a performance of forum. i was fired from that show. they didn't need me. i've got a domain that i've decided to keep. but haven't decided what to do with. i'm enjoying my job more and more, and realizing day by day that i have less and less time to do things that i have to do before i have to go away. because i'm going away to spend time with my family who i don't see nearly enough. because i'm here at school all the time now. because three hours seems really near and really far at the same time. because i have one more year before i'm really out on my own. because i'm tired. because it's late because i realize that i keep getting older no matter what i do. i spent time tonight with people closer to my sister's age than to mine. i wasn't going to go, the headache was that bad (coupled with the chinese food never again to be ordered from this place. ick.) and it's a long walk. the walk will just get longer as the school year comes around, but i don't think there's time to worry about that. so i went up, to meet with a friend and sit outside of a dorm which i have never sat outside of and have only vague memories of being inside of it, once to watch in the name of the father on a macintosh monitor because there was no tv to be found, and once to watch my friends smoke pot before going down to a ministry concert. and probably a handful of other times as well. and we sat outside of this dorm and people started gathering around. and i was brought back to my freshman year. to days when people would just sit around and wait for other people to just come and sit around and sit around together instead of what we do now which is more along the lines of sit around on our own and hope that nobody different comes to sit with us because they're too weird and we don't like people that we don't know very much. i miss when things were new. which is what i am looking forward to when this whole college thing is over. i'm waiting for something new. and i'm realizing that it's not going to find me, much as i am hoping, and that i'm going to have to learn how to go out and find this new on my own before the new becomes old again and i'm left where i am now. and of course there was that one cute girl but i had to stop myself becuase, well, did i mention that i'm feeling old? it was an amazing experience sitting in that room, after we had all gone for a walk and sat around on the sidewalk while a girl walked in to buy herself a drink and a hotdog or maybe some fries and after we walked back up to sit by a tree back where we were sitting before and i impressed everyone with my tricks with flash paper and that cool thing that i can fold out of a dollar bill and they told me that with all this talent then i should have no problem getting girls to fall all over me. after going inside because there were too many bugs we talked, and whenever i would say anything, so different that conversations i often have with the people i know where i get mocked corrected and ignored, my words were actually carrying some weight as they guy who was either old enough to know what was going on, or even, quite possibly was just interesting enough to warrant a listen. and to think, that headache almost kept me away.
|