|
sunday, july 19, 1998, 00:59 my priorities are all messed up. here i have over 1300 messages in alt.tv.buffy-v-slayer to read and instead i'm searching for random connections on the web. i am categorizing people by location and am reading journals of people who live in the same city as i do. for no particular reason other than the fact that i think i'm lonely and i am feeling this strange need for connection. somewhere. of course even worse is that i think i'm in that state of mind where i feel like i'm actually making those connections. reading through, finding Rent quotes, similar tastes in music, the strange desire to peirce my eyebrow, and other random connections seem now, in this quiet house, my laundry sitting in the other room, my mind a couple of states away, and my thoughts cloudy with exhaustion and illness, these connections seem legit and i start to feel as if i should be reaching out and interacting with these people. that for some reason, the web should bring people together in life as well as on this glowing box in front of me. of course the other thing that doing all this reading has done to me is make me feel much older than i deserve to feel at this point in my life. and also interesting to note that i'm almost intentionally making myself feel this way be seeking out those pages of people who i am sure are going to be much younger than i am. i'm not exactly sure what's going on in my head right now, and i'm not sure that i'm all right with that. maybe it has something to do with being back in this house, again. maybe it has to do with really having my life split between two homes and not having weekends up in my home and instead having to come back to, well, the home that i've known for years, which in itself is not a bad thing, but taken along with the fact that i am then forced to travel three or four hours each way and not be able to spend the time relaxing from the time i've spent during the week, and i can see the lack of grounding somewhere in there. that, and the fact that these weekends are way too short. i'm thinking three day weekends from now on. for everone. sound good?
|