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thursday, june 18, 1998, 00:51 i recall waking up this morning on top of my bed staring up at the light which i had been staring at when i fell asleep last night and not feeling particularly rested noticed that this was a pretty lousy way to start my day. that was one of three moments that i can really pinpoint in the day that i remember quite clearly. the next was sitting on the train coming home, music playing from the cd player sitting on the seat beside me, clutching my bag and staring out the window as the world passing me by. or was i passing it? i remember sitting there realizing that i had absolutely no idea, and that at that moment, with the music and the train, i had no real reason to have any idea. about anything. it just wasn't important. finally, i remember getting up off the lounge chair watching television and moving down to the carpet, staring up at the big screen watching a show about jennifer love hewitt and realizing that really, if i can't be famous in my life, then i'd really like to be around famous people. and i'm not really sure where this desire came from, nor am i really sure whether i'm okay with this need for popularity, for this want for at least periferal exposure to popularity. it's the case of the totally uncool guy really wanting to be noticed (and probably going about it the wrong way). right now, jobless in a sea of friends with jobs, directionless during a time when in my head i should be formulating some serious ideas about where i want to go in my life, i'm feeling very ungrounded. i'm floundering around, trying to figure out what is going on in my life, where i'm going to end up, and what i'm going to do once i get there. i've no plans, long-term or short, which makes living now all the more difficult. i think the best bet is to probably start small. like now. my immediate plans are to wake up in the morning after having actually gone to bed the night before rather than just collapsing. hey, it's good to have goals, right?
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