|
sunday, may 31, 1998, 03:21 one more day. one more and i'll be back in a car heading back up to school, back up to my new apartment. one more day puts me that much farther away from people i know and people i care about. friends from school. best friends. friends i don't see all year and whom now i won't see all summer as well. one more day and i'm away from the summer theatre that i've worked on for as many summers as i can remember, away from people i only get to see during the summers. month-long friendships that carry through the year. and why am i going back up? not for promise of a job, that's for sure. after repeated phone calls and emails i've still gotten no response. my only hope is that they are currently in the process of moving the whole operation to a more permanent location and are holding off calling until they can get settled in. but that's relly the optimistic side of me talking. the realistic part of me steps in every couple of minutes to smack the hell out of the optimistic side to tell me that in reality i'm going to be doing a whole lot of reading this summer and maybe, if i'm lucky, i can grovel my way into a theatre job that i just turned down in favor of this thing that doesn't even exist yet. and why? i don't even think i can answer that. i'm heading down a road of confusion, with no direction in mind, and this bothers me. emory had this to say to me: men get confused from 19-22 if they don't have a dead set pattern for life. use your strange asian ways to hang back from that and find peace in detachment. and i suppose i could do that. assume that everything is just going to work out fine and take it all with a grain of salt. that it's not worth sweating the small stuff and all that jazz. but i just can't help but feel that there's something that i should be doing right now, that i should either have a goal, or simply a direction. that i should be making some changes and doing something useful. and i can't get motivated. we'll see what happens in a couple of days then.
|