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monday, may 11, 1998, 02:27 i feel like absolute crap. i look about the same. i was going to write about time. as the three quarter mark creeps up on my college career, that time thing keeps popping in there. but that was so long ago that i forgot what i was going to say. still trying to figure out jobbing things for the summer, which is a pain on top of everything else that i have to deal with (and just can't right now) and i really feel like I want to bitch adn bitch, which i am right now, but i also feel that nobody is really listening. I run into that again. A need to talk. A fear that nobody is listening. That nobody wants to listen. and when i think about it, i can understand that. i can understand not wanting to hear about other people's problems, about issues that people have to deal with about also wanting to be selfish. 'cause that's what i'm doing. bah. i have a feeling that this is all just the end of the year "i have to deal with all my shit before it's all over and have to move out of my dorm when it feels like i just moved in" stuff that happens to me every year. i'm second guessing my decision to stay here this summer, i'm not thinking straight, and i'm not really happy. though on the other hand, i'm not unhappy either. other than the fact that i have a lot of work to deal with by the end of the semester (okay, the next couple of days) and have to deal with moving out of my dorm and all that, there's nothing really bad that's going on. i think i'm just complaining just to complain. oh. heh. last night was strange. went over because channing said that he was having a party. so we went there, i had an amaretto sour with some added something in there, and just sat and talked and watched people. watched the guy walk over and asked if anyone wanted to do shots of grain alcohol. watched the smoke from the incense stream up toward the ceiling. watched the cassette in the player turn 'round and 'round. and came home with castelle and fell asleep to the sounds of yo la tengo blasting from the stereo and the next time i woke up, danny said that castelle had gone into the other room to talk to sarah at which point i fell asleep once again to awaken at five in the morning with the cold air blowing on my bare arms and me hugging th big green pillow. i woke up this morning to the taste of bile slipping up and back down my throat. nothing particularly wrong with the day. but maybe tomorrow will be better.
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